Eyes Open

Really I wrote this for myself. For those moments, hours, days, weeks I live in a haze of thoughts - eyes shut. Maybe you aren't ready yet: I wasn't for many years. But I'm getting there now. And perhaps the same will happen for you too...

 

After all I know and believe about life,

Living it,

Being here,

In the now moment,

Not reminiscing about past moments,

Not dwelling on ‘what ifs’,

It really isn’t so easy.

Trying to change a life,

Many thousands of moments,

Of not living in the present.

Forever worrying about,

Past and future.

Feeling cut off,

From what’s happening at the time.

Floating like a kite on the breeze,

Tenuously linked to now.

The string snapping,

Flying away,

To whizz around in unreality.

I know how much suffering this brings,

To me.

To all.

And yet,

I haven’t yet let it go.

I’ve spent most of this life,

Feeling like that kite.

Flapping in the wind.

Protected from emotions,

Of my own and others.

Protected from the now moment.

Protected by a fog;

A cotton wool cloud of numbness.

Knowing a real life was possible,

On the edge of my senses.

Half heard,

Half felt,

Half tasted,

Half seen,

But never fully there.

Never fully feeling.

Even birthing a child,

So precious.

Spent,

Eyes shut,

Breathing drugs to numb.

Looking back,

It’s like looking at someone else,

A blurred film reel.

My beginning so numb,

Lacklustre.

Not wishing to see what was really there,

Feel what was really there,

Hear, taste, love.

Grateful to friends and family,

For sticking by me, despite,

The walls,

The coldness,

The anger,

Simmering.

And yet,

So many never come out of this.

Entire lives and deaths spent never fully feeling.

Cut off from presence,

Constantly hiding from it.

Numbing themselves,

With external chemicals,

Drink, drugs, food, cigarettes, TV…

You name something.

Clinging onto the external.

Or, hiding from the present,

By living in the past,

Or longing for a future,

That never comes.

How can it come?

All that is,

Is this moment.

Anything else,

Created by mind,

By thought.

 

Yes, plan for things,

But see the difference between,

Setting a goal and continuing in the now,

And wishing for ‘it’ to come,

Hoping, ‘if only’.

Life is here.

It’s now.

Anything else is your minds construction,

Imagination.

Make it real.

Be here,

Enjoy it all.

Feel,

The wind against your skin.

Watch,

It tickle your arm hair.

Hear,

Its soft hustle as it continues on its journey.

Feel,

The lick of the sun as it shines.

Watch,

Its speckled light dance with the leaves.

Hear,

The sweet tune of a bird enjoying daylight.

Be here,

Not in your head.

Forget,

What, why, when, how, who,

Planning,

Worrying.

STOP.

Breathe.

Feel it.

In…out

In…out.

Come back to this moment.

Thoughts will wander.

Let them,

Don’t follow them.

Thoughts aren’t you.

Thoughts aren’t your life.

This is.

Now is.

Right here…