Moth

This flowed out of me one day after the first Women's Circle I shared with some beautiful women. It tries (!) to capture some of the atmosphere and energy of that special night, under a blanket of stars, with an orange glow fluttering on our cheeks from an open fire...

 

Fingers tingling

like moths fluttering.

Heart beating

a drum solo.

Smile spreading

across my heart.

Positive energy

rolling over me

in waves.

 

Others enter

my energy space

physically and mentally.

I still feel that

energy

buzzing

like a moth

trapped between

palms,

desperate

to stretch its wings;

take flight.

 

We sit

hypnotised

centred

earthed

by fire.

And this magic,

this energy

created,

begins.

It pulses

person to person.

Zaps, sparks.

Eyes widen

Lips upwards curve.

This energy

rippling back

to me.

It plays in the circle.

Darting from one

person,

twirling to another.

Its translated

in many ways –

reflection,

enthusiasm

laughter,

ideas expressed,

stories

movement.

 

It ends

physically,

But

energetically

it’s still here.

Spread out

between

spirits.

A warm ember;

like the quieting

fire.

Burning orange in our

hearts.

Take it home.

Feel its comfort.

To tame,

like a moth,

between warm

palms.

Keep its vibration

with you.

Bring it back

on another moon;

in another circle,

to take flight

once more.

 

A journey of mother and child

Without going into too much detail, the relationship between me and my daughter and breastfeeding  has become quite confused, strained and emotional, I wrote this a while ago to reflect my personal feelings on this relationship, which is slowly, very slowly morphing into something else. It is about how I feel about breastfeeding a child, and the journey I am going through that has led me here, with her.

Breastfeeding is comfort.
Babies,
children
cannot gain comfort from something inert,
plastic.
Your body,
breast,
beating heart
is the physical reality of
your comfort and love.
Your child goes to this when they need it.
If they are fearful,
angry,
sad,
confused -
It is their safe place.

Breastfeeding is nourishment.
It is the food they were meant to consume.
Taken in the way they were meant to consume it -
from a warm, soft breast,
alive.
Nothing can compare.
Nothing else can change day to day,
hour by hour,
minute by minute.
Perfect for that one child –
Because each one is different,
needs different things,
grows different,
lives different,
loves different.

Breastfeeding is energy,
from its nourishment,
physical or mental.

Breastfeeding is growth,
As your milk provides
your child grows -
in body
in mind
in spirit.
So too do
you.
This journey,
shared with your child.
You grow as they do,
maybe not physically,
but in mind,
in spirit.

Breastfeeding is many things,
a combination
of the physical and soulful.
Intertwined,
impossible to tear apart.
Hard to let go of.
For child
For you.
When it ends,
this relationship
means growth,
a new chapter
in your relationship
with your child.
A closed door
leading to a new door.
Opening with light and love.
A new way of interacting,
more mature
less needful,
physically,
on both sides.

Open
ready to let others in.
To expand that circle of love
which for so long only included two people
mother and child.
Over the years it has expanded
allowed others in to feel the light shining from both of you,
but once this new door opens
it is finally ready to let others in
forever.

No longer needing only mothers love and comfort
to soothe.
Accepting of others love also.
Memories are looked back on with fondness,
a quiet ache in your chest -
remembering the cocoon
you created with your child.
But ready now to open yourself again,
with your child at your side,
rather than in your arms.
Ready to open and accept
everyone!

I Create, You Create

I wrote this to get my feelings out of my head (it’s like a therapy for me). After being hurt by veiled comments about the way I live my life I needed to take time out to assess it all. Do I really care what people think? I suppose in some ways I do, because we are all part of this web of connection and this negativity towards me taints my inner being. I wanted to talk through why I live the way I do, maybe it will provide understanding (equally maybe it won’t) but after writing it out I now feel truly grateful for people who think this way: it has helped me realise why I do it and made me stronger in my conviction to do so!  Thank you for all those people who believe I am lazy and don’t contribute to society: here’s my voice amongst the masses…

 

This life

I created.

Everything I do,

I created –

with my thoughts

my actions (right or wrong)

my beliefs

my steps

forward (and back).

Each decision I made,

each step I took along this

dirt path – I created.

I chose

with awareness (sometimes without) –

my happiness;

the family I wanted

(who love and cherish and share with me);

the daily rhythm of my life

(the quietness, the spaces between, the fullness.)

Too, I created

stresses in my life

the anger and suffering

even the pain (physical and mental).

 

It’s a choice.

All of it -

how I live,

what I do with

my body

my mind –

I chose it.

And

I’m proud of these choices. Happy.

(And also

utterly grateful

I get so many choices.)

Because

I chose it all knowingly (sometimes not).

I created –

the peace I live

the way I love

the efficiency of doing just enough –

no excesses.

the rhythm of my family life –

space to breath, time to be,

very little rushrushrush.

That doesn’t make me any

less

because I opted out of a

traditional lifestyle.

 

Making money isn’t everything

I choose to make other things,

love

peace

happiness

with creativity, empathy, joy,

to help others as well as myself,

to help the earth beneath my feet,

to help the air I breath.

 

‘Contributing To Society’ –

What does that mean?

Making money?

To spend

to help rich people get richer?

to boost the ‘economy’

(what’s that?

A thought, in some strangers’ minds.

It isn’t real!)

I prefer to contribute to humanity

(not this so called society people talk of)

By sharing –

ideas

love

healing

By helping out when I can (or even when I ‘cannot’)

By helping the planet we

ALL

live on.

These are real things –

tangible, touchable, tasteable

(not thoughts in

other peoples' heads).

 

I’m creating this life –

it’s not perfect

I still create stress and suffering.

I’m not perfect

(far from it)

But with awareness I can

slowly

create a more fulfilling life.

Helping others in small ways

or big ways

little step by little step –

I’ll get there.

 

So maybe my ideas

and your ideas

don’t meet

(or even cross)

Maybe we don’t tread the same path

(mine’s dirt

yours is tarmac!)

But I’ll continue to live

this life I created

Just as you will live yours

and maybe, one day, you will understand and accept

my choices, just as

I accept you.

 

Namaste.

 

 

 

Dance Inside You

People say
Dance like no one’s watching.
Have you?
(Really?)

Do it with me now
inside your imagination
(or for real)

The
thump
thump
thump
of the beat.
The melody
like a wave
rising and falling
pulling you along.
the instrument
of a strangers voice
and words
translated into
movement
feelings.

Eyes closed.
Listening with your
light
(not your ears).

Arms wild twirling
Feet drum jumping
Hips shake circling
Head up swirling

No time to thinkNo time to care
No time to wonder
Just do
Just be
in the beat
In its beauty
In its feeling
In its perplexity
In its vitality.
.
Skip a beat circle around
flying arms in the air
twirl and whirl
sink to the earth
sing smile laugh.

Be still.
Feel your
beat.
Feel your
breath
like a wave.

Feel your heart
pumping
jumping
thud
thud
thud.

Feel your skin
tingling
vibrating
pulsing.

You are the beat
the rhythm
the song
creating energy
that radiates
outwards
to all.

Now I feel

ALIVE!
(Do you?)

She Plays

A house made of blocks.

Here’s the living room, eating room, sleeping room.

A chair in here holds a cow and a

triceratops.

All is hushed,

          friendly,

          gentle.

Dinosaurs rub shoulders with massive coiled snakes and farm animals,

bigger than they are.

Soft words tell them their story.

A giant purple wooden TV

precariously balanced.

All the animals facing it

Silent

Expectant.

Her face brimful of joy,

Shining a yellow light

over her pretend world.

Innocence.

Her quiet smile: childhood

wrapped in a curve.

Get up.

Little legs

run.

Dragging a toy dog

by the ear.

The animals sit

silent,

waiting for the next

story.

Eyes Open

Really I wrote this for myself. For those moments, hours, days, weeks I live in a haze of thoughts - eyes shut. Maybe you aren't ready yet: I wasn't for many years. But I'm getting there now. And perhaps the same will happen for you too...

 

After all I know and believe about life,

Living it,

Being here,

In the now moment,

Not reminiscing about past moments,

Not dwelling on ‘what ifs’,

It really isn’t so easy.

Trying to change a life,

Many thousands of moments,

Of not living in the present.

Forever worrying about,

Past and future.

Feeling cut off,

From what’s happening at the time.

Floating like a kite on the breeze,

Tenuously linked to now.

The string snapping,

Flying away,

To whizz around in unreality.

I know how much suffering this brings,

To me.

To all.

And yet,

I haven’t yet let it go.

I’ve spent most of this life,

Feeling like that kite.

Flapping in the wind.

Protected from emotions,

Of my own and others.

Protected from the now moment.

Protected by a fog;

A cotton wool cloud of numbness.

Knowing a real life was possible,

On the edge of my senses.

Half heard,

Half felt,

Half tasted,

Half seen,

But never fully there.

Never fully feeling.

Even birthing a child,

So precious.

Spent,

Eyes shut,

Breathing drugs to numb.

Looking back,

It’s like looking at someone else,

A blurred film reel.

My beginning so numb,

Lacklustre.

Not wishing to see what was really there,

Feel what was really there,

Hear, taste, love.

Grateful to friends and family,

For sticking by me, despite,

The walls,

The coldness,

The anger,

Simmering.

And yet,

So many never come out of this.

Entire lives and deaths spent never fully feeling.

Cut off from presence,

Constantly hiding from it.

Numbing themselves,

With external chemicals,

Drink, drugs, food, cigarettes, TV…

You name something.

Clinging onto the external.

Or, hiding from the present,

By living in the past,

Or longing for a future,

That never comes.

How can it come?

All that is,

Is this moment.

Anything else,

Created by mind,

By thought.

 

Yes, plan for things,

But see the difference between,

Setting a goal and continuing in the now,

And wishing for ‘it’ to come,

Hoping, ‘if only’.

Life is here.

It’s now.

Anything else is your minds construction,

Imagination.

Make it real.

Be here,

Enjoy it all.

Feel,

The wind against your skin.

Watch,

It tickle your arm hair.

Hear,

Its soft hustle as it continues on its journey.

Feel,

The lick of the sun as it shines.

Watch,

Its speckled light dance with the leaves.

Hear,

The sweet tune of a bird enjoying daylight.

Be here,

Not in your head.

Forget,

What, why, when, how, who,

Planning,

Worrying.

STOP.

Breathe.

Feel it.

In…out

In…out.

Come back to this moment.

Thoughts will wander.

Let them,

Don’t follow them.

Thoughts aren’t you.

Thoughts aren’t your life.

This is.

Now is.

Right here…